A dear friend recently passed away and a veil of grief settled over me. Grief for what once was and for what will never be again…

I could not bear to think about her death and, when I did, I fought my thoughts and emotions tooth and nail. The resistance I experienced surrounding the reality of my friend’s death, ultimately, became an invitation to look more deeply into what was affecting me.

The overarching root of resistance for me was the subject of mortality – mine and those around me. The passage of time, alongside the aging process, has made this a more evident theme in my thoughts. 

Additionally, some other reflections arose that I thought I’d share. 

Oftentimes, we try to minimize or shy away from grief because it’s uncomfortable and scary. Maybe we won’t be able to handle it. We may encourage ourselves to focus on the positive and look towards the future. Well-intentioned comments like  “time heals all wounds”, “that’s life” “everything happens for a reason” or “this too shall pass” land poorly. In the long term, attempts to accelerate or diminish grief don’t work.

Avoiding discomfort eventually backfires. What we try to resist always comes back in some fashion or another. 

Speaking for myself, I would like to become more comfortable with being uncomfortable. It’s the healthier (and probably least stressful) of all the options that I have tried.

As we know, the experience of loss and grief extend beyond just physical death.

Imagine the loss of a job, a relationship, a family, a home, all so very significant…these (and many more) convert us from being “a have” to “a have not.” In the face of loss, a void emerges. What once existed is no more. And many of us don’t react well to a void, whether it be temporary or permanent.

Loss is also highly personal. My perception of loss and your perception of loss are both right and no one’s loss is greater than another’s. That’s part of the embrace of vs the resistance to what we are experiencing. I allow myself to feel my loss in its entirety.

Life is full of loss and grief. It’s inescapable, inevitable and spares no one. And it’s the natural counterpoint to the joy and successes that we experience…Whether we like it or not…

So, in the face of loss, there is a choice: do I acknowledge the loss (whatever it may be) and embrace the associated grief or do I resist the grief associated with the loss and compound my suffering? 

To be fair, resistance may serve a purpose in the short term, a protective mechanism, of sorts, that allows us to cope with a loss. Over time, though, healthy coping entails facing vs avoiding what is. 

For me, attending my friend’s memorial in another state, alongside others who loved her, allowed me to turn towards my grief. 

If you are experiencing a loss right now, how might you turn towards your grief?