Having a heart while having some edge is a life skill that takes development. While there are likely prettier ways to phrase it, having an edge is the phrase that feels right. For me, an edge means a boundary, a line in the sand, a no fly zone.

Without doubt, early in my life, I didn’t even know it was necessary to have an edge. I didn’t know that I needed to show up in different ways at different times. I learned the hard way, like most of us, and maybe that’s THE way we learn about this skill. From life itself…whether we’re prepared or not…

I think back about my lived experiences, some happy, many exciting, others sad, confusing, even intimidating and a few truly scary…how they shaped my personality over time…sometimes showing up as light and carefree,  other times energetic, loving, tenacious, worried, salty and, at times, really really tough. 

I imagine we are all multifaceted in this sense, having had a range of experiences that morph into a range of thoughts, feelings and behaviors. Coupled with how our genetics impact our temperament…

Some reactions are adaptive…tailoring themselves to the situation at hand. Some reactions are maladaptive…they don’t fit with what’s happening, like when we’re tough but the situation doesn’t warrant it…or being open when we need to have stronger boundaries.  For sure, this is a simplistic illustration but I offer it to set a basic context. 

And, to be clear, maladaptive isn’t a judgement or an indictment either but, rather, a reflection on our skills and whether or not our actions/reactions align with the situation at hand. The key is adaptation. Scanning the environment and deciding how best to show up…

This can sound so easy but, in reality, can be so very hard. First and foremost, do we even have the skills to handle what’s happening right now? Second, and without doubt, how we, oftentimes, carry the residue of our past into our present whether it’s warranted or not.

I haven’t always gotten it right. At times, I’ve been too soft and, at others, too tough. The rearview mirror is a great place to observe that.  What I find now, though, is that when I slow down (if I catch myself) I have more time to calibrate my actions/reactions. How I use my history, on behalf of my present and future, requires a lot of thought, as well as attunement to who and what surrounds me and how I need/want to show up. 

Having a bank of experiences and the knowledge that comes from them is like a treasure chest, especially if we are good stewards of that deep wisdom. We can sift through that chest and pick out what seems appropriate for the situation at hand.  What does life want from us right here, right now? And how do we want to show up? The beauty of it all is that, more often than not, we have the power to decide.