I’d like to think that I’m evolved enough to loosen my grip on expecting specific outcomes. Unfortunately, at times, I’m not. I get an image of what I want to happen and how I want it to happen and then I lock onto it. 

This happened just recently. I saw myself checking in regularly on a desired outcome for something I’d been working on. As time passed and nothing materialized, I felt my angst rising. While I was aware of what I was doing, I was, also, telling myself, simultaneously, to relax and let whatever was meant to happen just happen. 

So, I was in a loop of checking in for a status update and, then, I was telling myself to surrender…just let it be. Engaging then detaching. Clinging then releasing. I observed myself doing this repeatedly, despite knowing it was neither optimal nor necessary. A watched pot doesn’t boil… you can’t force an outcome. 

Towards the latter part of this experience, I felt myself getting angry and I could hear a victim-like voice emerging. Poor me, poor Diane, I worked so hard and it’s not unfolding the way I want it to…

Without exaggerating, I hate that thought pattern. I don’t believe in it and I know better than that. But, as a human being, I don’t always get it right. So, it became a chance to check in with myself and do some grounding. No doubt, the  need for external validation is a powerful force (at times). And, it takes work and a degree of redirection to develop internal validation. 

The funny thing is that, in the end, it all did work out. But, it wasn’t on my timeline nor did it look like what I had expected (or what I needed to feel validated). It was a reminder for me to do my part, then sit back (as much as possible) and feel confident and at peace that what is meant to be will be and what isn’t won’t. This is a work in progress or, better said, I’m a work in progress.