I was in Colorado last week and had dinner with some friends from the Modern Elder Academy in Santa Fe. Conversation flowed smoothly and was interesting, not to mention so much fun – such a blessing in newly formed friendships. 

We talked, laughed and reflected on our individual histories, as well as our collective history as mid-lifers. I have to say that, as I’ve been navigating these midlife waters, I’ve found it so helpful to talk with others also in this uncharted territory. My new friends and I all agreed that, by this time in our lives, “we have seen things.”

Given our particular age range (mid 50’s – early 70’s), we thought back to some hallmark events such as 9-11, the Challenger explosion, Covid and Princess Diana’s death. Memories were palpable, with each one of us remembering where we were, at those particular moments. 

It wasn’t all somber reminiscence, though. Memories of Peggy Lipton and The Mod Squad (her white go go boots), Kenny Roger’s The Gambler (with some singing thrown in) and Tom Selleck as Magnum PI (and posters on my college dorm room walls) sidled up to the table too. We each drifted away momentarily, recalling the past and savoring memories. 

That conversation has me reflecting on the dark and light moments in my own life and, for some reason, the tears that I’ve shed. Not sure why that resonates with me right now but it does. I see tears as storytellers, our feelings come to life. They tell tales of what is meaningful, of the people, places and things that have touched us.

Yet, at times, I (we) shy away from tears. Hardly a surprise. In my work as a psychotherapist and in my own life, I’ve seen and felt this hesitance to cry, a resistance to what is simply a physiological process. But, I imagine we could all agree that it’s not about the tears per se. It’s the emotion behind them and, oftentimes, the embedded belief system about tearfulness that cause the retraction.

Yes, undoubtedly, crying can feel uncomfortable, oftentimes emerging from Grief, Anger, Frustration, Hurt, Disappointment or Powerlessness. I’ve had my fair share of all of these. Sometimes, crying feels embarrassing (or even shameful), due to how we’ve been socialized. At times, I  remember feeling weak for crying, worrying about what others might think of me. Take a moment and think back about what you’ve  been taught about crying or even how you’ve been treated for crying. Not always a positive experience…

But, that’s where the mixed messaging surfaces. Do we feel the same stigma about tears of joy? Laughing until we cry? Tears that come from deep Satisfaction? Poignant moments? Relief? Beauty? Love? Not likely…We usually turn towards these more comfortable experiences vs away. 

Having lived experiences is a double edged sword – loving the glorious moments and loathing the dark ones. Some barely surviving and some fully thriving… But, with the wisdom of this age, there’s an opportunity to appreciate how they all coalesce to form a rich tapestry of memories. 

In this midlife stage, transitioning into our third act, I suspect (and, to some degree, I’m bracing myself) that there will be more occasions for deep reminiscence, as well as moments of greater uncertainty and vulnerability. And with that, more fodder for tears…I’m reminding myself that tears are a key, a key to what is meaningful and what touches the heart.